OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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