My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
