No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
