My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Randomize
