Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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