New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
