Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
