I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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