If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
