In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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