Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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