I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
