There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
