Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
