After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I forget how to act sober
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