My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
