I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize
