I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
