Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
