My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
