never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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