Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
