when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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