The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
