don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
did i walk over a car last night?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
