he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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