i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
