she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Damn victory sex feels great
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
