i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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