No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
