just come out here and I will go home with you...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
