I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
