life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
