But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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