i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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