Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
