Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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