Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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