Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
