Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
