dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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