i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
