no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
