im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
