erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
