my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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