you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
