My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just invented taco cereal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
