I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
