thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
