i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
