I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
