We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
