just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
