Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
