one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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