genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Randomize
