I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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