cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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