I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
