I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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