her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
