if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
