someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
