his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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