apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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