I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
