I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
